She is actually trying really hard to have the same relationship with mom that I do (IE I am the problem solver, we talk about family issues etc and I am taken seriously) but she cant seem to break the mentality by mom and dad that she needs to be taken care of. if i say lets cuddle, she says, "cuddle with AUNTIE". So yes, this is a very complicated story, very sad, and his mother is in denial that he needs medical help. If they did it, so can you and your husband. He is now a teen and still loves his grandma very much ( OS fathers mother). Just saying I can commiserate. I can't stop feeling jealous about it! Although he would never admit it, I think it is hard for him to watch her get by in life so easily. The only part of your letter that really stood out as odd to me was the fact that they didnt help out with your college expenses at all. Sometimes we find our inspiration in the funniest things! She shouldnt be comparing herself to her brothers at all. I have absolutely nothing to add at the moment (pending comments on additional comments). They give her money for children, take her and her family out, and have her over to their house for dinner multiple times a week. They dont. This is true for one of my best friends. Ditto. My oldest, after all, is the only one who got our uninterrupted and unshared love and a decent college education, and our old car. But theres nothing that makes me think he should start handing me money now. November 30, 2017, 10:51 am. When he was 14 his parents opened their own business. Walmartforlife My dad has said to many many times Parents never stop being the parents. She wants private violin lessons like her friend-thats never going to happen. In fact, theyve never offered me financial help at all, aside from feeding me and putting a roof over my head as a kid. Seriously, my parents are nuts spending on my own children. I would have done grievous bodily harm to get private art lessons at twelve. Ask your parents for advice they seem to know how to make it. Sit down with a financial advisor. She is a reminder from when they were poor, and now that they are rich they just see her as a reminder from when they were poor and continue to treat her the same as they have always done. That way, they'll be happier without me there. But- I realized something. LW, Congratulations on being an independent adult. is this completely silly? He`s very bipolar: sometimes he calls me a retard and other bad things, but two days later he`ll be telling me that I am the one who is most like him out of the whole family. Conversely, once a child is grown, it becomes their responsiblity to take care of their parents. But that doesnt mean she is a present grubbing spoiled brat. The younger daughter, still a poor grad student, gets some financial help from us and a new car. P.S. USPS hates us for it. Im so glad Wendys advice was everything Id hoped it would be. He got pairs of expensive socks , pairs of shoes , shorts , and a few t shirts. well, my toddler prefers one of my sisters to everyone, including me. But you had the wonderful surprise of getting a father and siblings and more financial stability in your family, and even though you had to handle your own education, you still got one. Sibling rivalry is characterized by competitiveness, conflict, and jealousy among siblings. January 31, 2012, 3:26 pm. Just dont forget to budget in advance for the monthly data charges.. I would suggest taking your mother aside and very kindly asking her to skip the gifts this year and to just give you cash, if she wants to. Blah. My mom is all proud about it so when we are with her I let her "run the show". Holy crap this could have been written by my husband. Many parents want their kids to be as physically and emotionally flawless as possible. I don`t understand why i did it. Personally Im just trying to wrap my head around the fact that your dads BONUS was more than I made last year. I wasnt particularly vocal about it to my parents, but I think they knew I was concerned. My dad caught my eye as he said it and kind of shamefaced said, I know, we couldnt afford it for you. 37 pinkpixy 10 yr. ago My little sister was the favorite. So while we would like to treat each child equally, they have different needs, and it gets really really tricky in a blended family. She is two years older than me and newly divorced, with no. He started marching band in high school, and every year they gave him more and more support by going to as many of his performances as they could, shelling out the money for instruments, repairs, lessons, band camp, etc., and getting involved in the band culture. Find creative ways to bring in more money during the slow/winter months. The next step is just realizing that there is no sibling rivalray, just different circumstances and it sounds like you are on your way to that. Theyre done raising you and from your description, they raised you with lots of love, a roof over your head and clothes on your back. But they ignore every detal i say abou my dad and go and tell my parents that I am emotially unstable, which onkly makes that yellings worse. Sometimes life isnt fair, sometimes parents arent fair, but you work hard for what you want, no matter who decides to help or not help you along the way. Maybe talk to your sis and tell her that she shouldn't let her get away with stuff. I wasnt able to have a cell phone in school because of technology and cost, but I did have a pager (which was outdated by the time my sister started high school 4.5 years later). If youd like to receive money from your parents, ask. Generally, I think Wendy pretty much hit it on the head. My stepson developed a chronic genetically based illness (from his mother) and we spend a lot of $$ for his therapy and meds which will go on for the rest of his life. Of all my childhood toys, I cherish her since that toy showed me my mom tried her best to make me happy even though we didnt have much. I cant control the situation. I do not find it whiny or selfish or entitled of her to, to herself and to this forum, admit that she feels slighted. i feel SO SO fortunate that 1. my sisters are close, and 2. that they love my daughter so much, and i am glad my daughter has people in her life she has bonded with and has great realtionships with other than my husband and me, BUT im starting to feel jealous. So I am a bit biased, angry, frustrated with her and believe it or not, until all this happened we had a pretty civil relationship now I just choose to interact as little as humanly possible with her but keep on my nicey-nice face to keep the peace. Privacy Policy. Spaghetti Os for the win! My parents (both of them) helped finance my 18-months-younger sisters college, and my twin sisters college, but not mine. My sister is ten years younger than me and has gotten alot of things I would have loved to have but my mom made a lot less when I was younger. Of course. But with a twist my stepsons mother lives on food stamps and even though lots of child support was paid, it went into the general fund, but not enrichment. silver_dragon_girl Totally agree with Wendy. Never had a job. As an officers wife, shes travelled a lot and lived in some pretty neat places and is financially stable. While Im sure children are something you both likely want, Im sure you recall how difficult it was for your parents to make ends meet. His little sister gets EVERYTHING. Dear GoodTherapy.org, Please help me. Thinking about it will make a person go mentally unstable lol. She is here because of Moms choices and actions. 25 years ago, I wouldnt have received all they have even if they could afford it. Like you said, I dont think she can get upset about college until the brothers go to college. I understand the pride after being independent and self-sufficient for so long, asking for help feels like failure. Archived post. I try so hard to make my parents like me but they just dont care when i do ANYTHING GOOD but they care so much when i do something bad. And frankly we wont accept it besides that one unforseen circumstanc (mostly because his mom will help us out because no accepted help goes unpunished). My advice isnt to ask for help my advice is to be grateful. Does that make her or me more special? But I worked, so my mom would be somewhat less stressed. Be grateful your mother married a man that treated you like his own and you have such a close and loving relationship with your brothers and your parents. I mean they have two other kids so it wouldn't be a big loss if they lost one. dinner out! I get where LW is coming from, but Wendy has it completely right. Do those circumstances help this make sense? Oh no were not having that! I just dont understand. Hell think less of them, and I dont want that. He had to make his own way in the world. Once the day before yesterday and the second time last night. Man that made me mad! The three of us older siblings sometimes marvel at how different his life is. 27K 2M views 1 year ago Subscribe Here: / @troom_troom_select The Last Child on Earth! Just wanted to add that stepsons mother has made a lot of poor choices, and while we tried to get custody of stepson when he was younger, we were advised at the time by an attorney that the bio mom would get custody where we live except in cases of extreme abuse, and even then and we did not have the resources to throw thousands of dollars at the problem so in the interest of civility we kept the custody arrangement as it was with her so hindsight is always 20/20 and all of that a bit of a different situation than the one by LW, but I sometimes wonder but we are all doing the best with a tricky situation. Oh, dear LW, I think this is a time to let it go, dont let this negativity color how you feel about your family. They are pictured above in Los Angeles in 2015. Yip, probably best to talk to your husband and family about your experience and the way you feel about the situation and learn to let it go (forgive). After all, it looks like youre starting off in a much better position than they did. I dont know where they got all this money, and it sort of bothers me to see how different my dads lifestyle is from how mine was growing up. But if you are the sibling of a narcissist, you dare not share. So you know what? Get over the college thing. iwannatalktosampson It sounds as though their shopping trip and the dinner were ways of trying to show you the same luxuries your brothers are getting. What do you think I should do?Sad Sister Situation Hi Read More I wish I could give her a better life. I think the LW should be proud of herself for growing and becoming more her own person without completely shutting down that little voice, because listening to what that voice has to say and validating the issue (but not giving in and behaving like a child) is a great way to take care of oneself. My OS who is 13 always wanted grandma when he was a baby, and a toddler. He Wants Me to Move Out to See If Hell Miss Me, Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?, She Told Me Shes Pregnant The Day before I Planned to Break Up With Her, My Sister Threw Our Parents A Surprise Party and Didnt Invite Me, DW Community Catch-up Thread (Formerly Anyone going on awesome dates?). Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I hit the off button. Also like you, we are struggling. It seems like theyre generous with you on outings and for special occasions, so its not really your concern how they choose to spend a 30k Christmas bonus or any other extra money they have. You dont get to resent them for not helping you if you havent even asked (and for the record, you really cant resent them for not helping even if you do ask; you are an adult, after all). Those are no small lessons to learnmore people could learn those lessons, to be sure. If you need help/money ask. I said nothing, walked out into my garage, took my bike, and rode away. A young adult isnt supposed to get the same amount of financial resources from their parents as a 12 year old, but its the degree of disparity thats most striking. They helped her older sister and younger brother out a lot more than her. When my dad got his fat holiday bonus from work this year (thirty thousand dollars!) As my mom recently put it to me, I left the nest and never looked back. That is the thing I despise most about popular narcissists, err advise givers. It is hard to see your siblings being showered with material things while you, not all that much older, are paying for everything on your own. Speak up. I can understand your frustrations, LW, but let me back Wendy up here by saying that youre not owed or entitled to any assistance from your parents. Now they are loaded. The 'Ivory Lady' was a revered leader. Your baby brothers may be getting more than you ever did, but didnt working hard for everything you got make it all the more sweet? But that doesn't mean they love you any less. An older sister (17) and a younger brother(12). And she sends Jake 3 boxes minimum. So you could enjoy a few NICETIES. Its not fair. Sue me. They are. Were talking, it takes 2 people to carry each box she sends up for Christmas. I had the things I needed and some things I wanted, but we certainly didnt live extravagantly. It was my sister who was getting bullied, not me, but my dad is fully convinced that I was an awkward nerd because i rarely ever talk when he is around (because i am scared of him and scared that anything i say will get me in trouble). The causes of . I would strongly, strongly advise you to let it go. You cant have it both ways. They owe them communication and involvement in their lives. Totally just teared up at work- that is awesome and so sweet of those kids. I dont quite understand the hostility towards the child who was excited to open presents and then barely looked at them before moving on. Youre a grown adult married, with your own home. My parents get big bonus checks too and they dont spend any of it on me! Its funny the things we hold on to. It sounds like your parents experienced financial difficulties for quite some time. Basically everything you said was very mature and thoughtful. Ill try to remember American Dad as I bite my tongue! Laura Dern, right, and her mother Diane Ladd have adapted a series of their conversations into the new book Honey, Baby, Mine. It doesnt even have to be an awkward conversatoin. When she confronts them at the end of the episode they say that they excluded her because they know she can take care of herself unlike her sister. 62K Share 3.7M views 1 year ago A few months ago, I spent the whole evening studying for an exam the next morning. I would have done grievous bodily harm to get private art lessons at twelve. Hi Sad Sister Situation, First of all, I FEEL YOU. They know my husband is self-employed and that things get really tight in the winter when work slows down, and that I work an entry-level job. Did they have help? These letters come from distressed and heartbroken readers who are trying to figure out how to deal with financial unfairness from their parents. Why? He is always comparingme o the neighbors dauther, and says I should be more like her. Its dead on. And my brother had a phone when he was 12, now my little sister is going to get one, so why won`t i get one? I still do mma, i win tournaments and what not but my parents just dont care. My parents bought a (small) vacation home when I was a junior in college and then didnt support me at all through college. Your mom and dad do love you, so as Wendy suggested, let them know you are sensative to hearing your father got such a big bonus when you and your husband to struggle a bit, making ends meat. They would help us out with a loan or paying our bills if we asked them, but I think your parents would too, LW. (Hes taken swimming and ballet, too.) You know, LW, you can maybe look at it this way: I am somewhat in the same situation. she just said that she doesn't like me as much as my siblings. Please try not to think of this as your parents loving your brothers more than you. If you want help, ask them for it there is nothing wrong with that (in my opinion), and not anything you should be ashamed of they are your parents, and youd rather have cash than clothes! He tells me stories about only getting two shirts a year and having to rotate them and getting made fun of at school. Your sister can't stand up . I wanted a Cabbage Patch my mom couldnt afford the real ones so got me a knock off. they do not have kids, so they love spending time with my daughter, and will babysit whenever i ask, happily. My happiest place is literally wattpad, cause i can comment stupid things and peoiple will actually respond. Shes 11 hours away and I cant deal with the drama of her former, unreliable, car. Go No Contact. Also if you really need help ask, maybe your parents havent offered because they know it would embarrass you and they are treating you like the adult you are. You sound very smart and level-headed about the whole situation . maybe it's because she's the youngest? Due to the extra income, my brother and sister had more luxuries than I ever did. Baby brother, on the other hand He was read to ALL THE TIME, parents never missed a single event or soccer game, they helped with his homework and school projects They were a LOT more involved in his life because they recognized that he needed more guidance and attention from them in order to be successful. So maybe theres that possibility that in their eyes, you are already a Success Story, a grown married woman with her own house (and all the adult responsibilities that come along as part of the package). I have to admit it this situation would totally irk me. This is a potential land mine and pretending you arent bothered is a good start. She is planning on going to college (im sure expensive one at that) to find a husband and be a stay at home mom. Cross Country was the only sport that didnt require expensive equipment to be bought, so that was my sport that I played in middle and high school. Period. (me) 5. And the sad part was he was normal and high functioning until late adolescence when it all hit. 1. What can it hurt? However, with my brother, they like to say his car is an extra family car and my dad keeps saying no, its my other car, but your brother uses it They tried so hard to make it seem like it wasnt going to be my brothers car, even though it went up to college with him, but I just laughed at them and said jig is up, parental units, its cool, dont worry. The thing is that they talk about money and their inheritance a lot. I have since attempted to think of my sister as needing the extra help because of multiple bad decisions she has made. Your parents are adults and so are you. Are you owed anything? Try to focus on the kindnesses they have shown you (the dinners, the clothes, etc) and not on what they have offered to your brothers. Anonymous #1. About a year ago my husband got laid off, and we were in a panic for about a month (luckily they rehired him and his current hours suggest he will be busy for a while). Sure, youre thinking, thats all fine and good, but you dont want them to raise you again; you want them to help you out in your adult life. I don`t want a cellphone anymore, that was just an example of how he treats me. You say that youre currently experiencing some financial difficulties. Stacy, of Los Angeles has a 5-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter, "I completely favor my son. I wonder if instead of asking for cash, if you could ask for help on a specific thing. Ever since I was 6 my dad wanted me to be a surfer and to play soccer and the same with my mom. same my brother got everything and i still got nothing i have this feeling they will always love my brother 100,000 times more than me. I love opening presents. if i say . Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience.
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