She might find some utility in creating a venting-specific, anonymous social media presence, if shes someone who is comfortable online. But I cringed when I read that she has a stressful job and you do not. At my old job we would schedule Zoom meetings for the supervisor team that were just an excuse for us to complain and vent to each other to spare our families I ended up taking a new role and theres much less need for that type of outlet. I think she is looking for permission to try to be happier, which could maybe mean looking for a job where she doesnt directly deal with the things she dislikes most about her current job or taking a long vacation to regroup. Hows married life overall? I would think something like this could help here a lot too. So, if there is nothing she can change, and the situation leads to more than 15 minutes a day of griping, I would suggest that she might want to evaluate whether she should look for a new place that didnt stress her out so much. Good luck-I really feel you on how much the shrinking of our social circles due to COVID excaerbates these problems and I hope it goes well! I told him he didnt have to listen, just nod and say, Uh huh every so often. By using words like we, our, and us, youre emphasizing that you and your partner are just thatpartners. This might actually work for her and that may be why she is doing it! During the 10-15 minute dump, periodically check in with yourself and make sure youre listening and not just waiting for it to be over. You dont have to complain about everything, means OP hears all or most of what his wife says as a complaint. When I used to go out to Happy hour with my colleagues in the before times we used to set a timer for 30 minutes. Key points People who complain a lot are struggling with obsessive thoughts that lead them to ruminate, and will have difficulty giving up the habit. But in circumstances where youve made how you felt clear, and nothing changes, or the person truly only seems to want to whine endlessly. Im glad for their relationship that OP wrote in because hes not able to function as a partner right now. This comment is gold. However, no one likes to be the recipient of all of someones complaints, nor does anyone want all of their conversations with a real friend to be about complaints. My fault for venting too much? Like, oh, youre giving me permission to use my time as I see fit? He was hesitant to see a therapist, but we found someone who did executive coaching and it was a life changer. I was flippant yesterday and apologise. ), I ask if they need to talk more. So we have somewhat of a compromise where I listen to more complaining that I would prefer (because it would be zero, if it were up to me) but he also understands that its not fair to expect me to be his sole outlet for all his emotional needs on this front. To deal with a negative spouse, you can: Practice empathy. You can tell your wife that sometimes you get overloaded when shes talking about work. "You chose to feel that way," is the most passive-aggressive comment you'll hear from a toxic spouse. I used to be this person. When OP should first do is have a serious talk with the wife letting her know how we feels about her continuous complaining. Hi, I used to be your wife. You have been miserable for nine years! Maybe it becomes a conversation about how right now the job market favors job seekers and she could use a change! Complete new role? from the more physical expressions of anger, which creates a link in your subconscious of anger = feels good which then makes your brain want to be angry more to get those benefits. Again not as a threat, but to protect your mental health. This approach is necessary if you want to maintain privacy. If there are options she can take, this might help, butif she really hates her job and there are virtually no employment opportunities in the area and she has spent the last two year applying for other jobs but nothing is coming up, what are you going to do? might going to just rub in how limited her options are. (I need a quiet, hot shower. But the real problem is when my wife complains something about my mom said. (obligatory-not-everyone-can-gym-but-figure-it-out). Thanks. My guess is that she has no idea if, like me, doesnt mind a good moan when shes on the receiving end too. This worked really well for a while and allowing him to vent and me not to take on his stress as well as my own. May not be helpful for this situation, but thought Id share in case anyone else is looking for tools to help them be less negative/complain-y. I explained to him that if anything, its anti-bonding to me and only makes me want to spend less time with a whiner. Encourage your wife to seek counseling. Suggest a time limit and some other healthy coping mechanisms. You may want to encourage her to speak up at work when something bothers her. Alison. But you dont have to listen to it constantly either! It sometimes feels like you are about to physically explode with how upset you are with being forced to be in a work situation you loathe for 8+ hours a day. Similar situation: I am the uber-complainer and my husband, who doesnt work due to anxiety/PTSD disability issues had to put up with my constant griping and hours of kvetching about all the stupid I would deal with. EVP, this, exactly! Mutual support group :). You & I were typing at the same time, and you did a better job of expressing this than I did. If she is so miserable, the solution is probably to search for a new position, but I am a big proponent of therapy if things are so feeling so overwhelming. It does help! I also know, as someones wife, that if Mr. Delta suggested to me I should stop complaining, I would not take kindly to that. If its supposedly so easy and (also so necessary) for her to change this, then itd be easy for him to do the same and stop getting so riled up by hearing it, right? Shes off all summer, and she watches our two young kids for the summer months. It helped me a lot when things tipped over from frustrating everyday complaints to sitting in my car for 20 minutes because I didnt want to walk into the office. Not sure this works with all personalities/dynamics I definitely know a few folks who would double down and feel emboldened by the agreement! Fix the problem (change the situation) But when ever Im around her she wanders around moping about how hard it is taking care of two kids. So put aside your judgment, and your feeling that your way is the better way and shes doing the wrong thing by complaining and focus on yourself. (A new job didnt hurt the situation either, but if I hadnt made the choice to change myself, a new job alone wouldnt have done it.). Maybe she needs to start journaling or something that helps me sometimes because then Ive said all I need to say (but I do have to be careful not to get myself more discouraged by writing myself into a slump). Follow the advice, and youll not only please your wife, but also stay a mamas boy. Is this really about work? But if you dont want to hear it at all, you need to speak up that this is distressing you too much and that while you care, you also need to disengage from the venting. For 2022, I want our dinner times to be complaint-free or at least, complaint-fewer. It was just that one person causing the issues. Much like your wife, she doesnt want or need my advice, she just needs to feel heard and to get it all out ! Id definitely throw something at his head its so condescending like sir, Im not 5, knock it off before I knock your head off! And not in the cute, teasing way, such as "Oh, look at how messy your hair is!" No, the rude wife will take that even further, perhaps stating in front of your friends, "He can never be bothered to care about how he looks." His tone mellows a little. Set boundaries. There are prompts for processing anger and for practicing gratitude. So, if the wife is like my ex, no amount of requests for a No Complaint Zone or a Time Out From Negativity will work for longer than a few minutes. Good luck, LW! Laughing about it beats complaining!). It turned out that all her complaints about her job were actually about her unhappiness in her marriage. (The socks were dark colors and hard for me to see.) I have mentioned the book to my boss and another supervisor and they are interested in getting copies too. Encourage her to journal. Does she need you to respond? On Dating Apps, I Can Be Anyone I Want. Because if the answer is no, it complicates the advice. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-one-daily-talk-that-will-benefit-your-marriage/. But if its everything then its not really a work issue. You: Dang, what a jerk! 2 people trying to out-vent each other is terrible. Absolutely we all need the space to get things off our chest, but there comes a point where the other person in the conversation is just exhausted, which is what it sounds like here. If they want advice we talk out for however long it takes. Obviously there are circumstances this would not apply to so easily, but for the majority of the garden variety work annoyances we have to deal with, this is a very sound rule. Good luck to all of us. Congrats on the new job! Ill also offer another bit of insight which might be entirely extrapolation, disregard if thats the case: in the letter you say that you dont have much to complain about (which is wonderful) but that when it does happen, you choose not to. You have already noticed the pattern of his behavior. For me, it was the job. OP and Wife get to breathe separate and alone for a while and process their day. If she cant handle watching the kids, wont accept ANY help from a nanny, wont let me watch them so she can go out with friends, wont occasionally get a babysitter so we can go outlife starts to feel one long slog for both of us. Ive had to make a VERY conscious effort to pick and choose what I share and how it effects him. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more! The first thing that jumped out at me in this letter was the need for you and your partner to communicate more clearly and openly with each other! I dont have any great advice for you because the lightbulb needs to come on for your spouse before she can change. Telling her what she NEEDS to do (stop venting at you over dinner) probably dont have a great result though. By explaining in that way it helps you to understand exactly what you are feeling, and what you want them to understand. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. It should make it easier to deal with, knowing its part of their condition, but its still exhausting and hard to take. Imagine you in her shoes. I NEVER go out with friends. Making it your wish takes your wife out of it, and sets boundaries your mom will respect, says Sylvia Mikucki-Enyart, Ph.D., an assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point who studies in-law relationships. It would stress me out too much. But you cant make just one person your sole dumping ground, especially this frequently. While I might think Im shielding others from negativity when doing that, what Im actually doing is hiding how I feel and missing an occasion to be seen and understood (AKA to connect emotionally). otherwise being met with silence means I can either keep filling up the space with talking or become frustrated that youre not listening), and also appreciating that it can be frustrating to hear complaining with no action (putting myself in those shoes helped because I too would eventually get annoyed and want to say something like okay, so what are you going to do about it?). Id advise you to encourage her to find multiple people for support and spread it around a bit, or trade off days. It only got better for me when I moved into a different job at that company that wasnt public-facing. Re: commuting being a time to decompress I was thinking of the interview that Alison did with the EAP person, where she said that walking around the block for 10 minutes before and after work helped her to create mental separation and decompress from her stressful job while working at home. And now he says hes too old and no one else will want to hire him. Group get-togethers or one-on-ones, it was exhausting to listen to endless complaints. But I would also back it up and think about what she really needs/is looking for. She is an abomination. You are ignoring direct and repeated moderation instructions, so I am putting your comments on pre-moderation going forward. Its a lot to dump all in one place, all in one day. I do have very solid writing and communication skills, because I do have to talk to clients about their little fanged pests when I bring them up, but thats hardly going to be a stellar resume point, anyone can do that. Its gotten to the point where I dont even ask her how her day at work was because honestly, I dont want to her her complain about how she hates it. (And almost all of us do it to some extent) But theres actually a lot of psychological research that shows that it leads to increased negative feelings and stress overall. Try I statements and avoiding phrases like you always or you never.. If she used to have hobbies and doesnt now, can you encourage the hobbies again? I think as a partner you have some responsibility to allow her to vent to you, but I know that unlimited venting can destroy partner and familial relationships because the negativity just SPIRALS and yet because you are their partner or family member, you want to be supportive. I wonder if OP and the wife have a fundamental mis-match of whether or not venting is relieving. Whatever works for yall. If work is the biggest thing that happens in your life, then of course its going to be most of what you talk about. The scenario: Your wife wants to hold Thanksgiving at your place this year. After a while, I became too busy with work for those get-togethers. They give the impression of mature and responsible adults who know how to care for themselves. He thought it was funny and that I wouldnt do it. She doesnt want you to solve her problems, she just wants you to listen. Before would probably make it easier to get through dinner without it though, if that is feasible!