Everyone knows that love is blind, and no matter how confident we are in our choices, sometimes our friends can see red flags in our partners that we can't. Well, sometimes even men who are perfectly capable of being open, emotional, vulnerable and connected to themselves and other people 100% platonically, the socialization still left a mark on this aspect of their lives and their comfort level(which is WILDLY separate from acceptance, understanding, belief, and knowledge) with the fact that men are emotional beings, find it easier to connect with women than men. Im not sure how I should handle this because I do have toxic controlling behaviors and I dont want to be. Good for him. And he will have met such women. I know men always say "oh I just connect more with girls", on the surface that's why, but there's a deeper reason than that. This made me feel second to his friendship. Im not sure how I should handle this because I do have toxic controlling Rebecca is in a similar situation. My grandmother was afraid of thunder. For example, instead of forbidding a close friend of mine to sleep in the same room as me my wife plainly stated the boundary that I should not share a bed with this friend (which was anyway not our intention). By clicking Post Your Answer, you agree to our terms of service and acknowledge that you have read and understand our privacy policy and code of conduct. How can I encourage my boyfriend to stand up to his friends? I was happy enjoying the attention of multiple girls, but obviously she wasn't. SO!I said all of that to say this: there is a very distinct possibility that your boyfriend has a high number of female friends because he's an emotionally in touch human being who wants and values friends he can connect with emotionally but because of the way the current masculine paradigm socializes its boys from the day they're born, has a harder time making meaningful friendships with men than with women. In open relationships a lot of time and effort is devoted to discussing the effects of how our actions with others will affect the people we are dating. If I'm willing to talk to my partners about setting boundaries with my family and lovers why wouldn't I do that with my friends? And that does, actually, happen. It hasnt worked out well and only resulted in more arguments so I feel like at this point I need to go to him with a solution in mind. My main issue is with these sentences. Be sure to listen to your partner when they express their concerns. Before I answer the question directly, I want to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through and how you might be feeling. Im a 22/female, boyfriend is 22/male. My guess is that he's the kind of man who connects well with women on an emotional and intellectual level, and if he still seeks that out despite having you in his life (yes, you: the woman he is making himself be monogamous with despite probably not being that way inclined and having a multitude of other openings available) it means he is not getting that from you. But unless he happened to be starving, that should not make him lose control. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. productive conversation about boundaries without him immediately What's the opposite of nostalgia?Your friends won't say it at the table, but they're probably thinking, "Oh, this guy again." I hope your bf can see thing more clearly after you explain it to him. Because at the end of the day when you come home, we both come home to the person that we think is the best for us, better than any other guy or lady either of us have spent time with. Is religious confession legally privileged? getting defensive? Just that that conversation about it can't happen successfully? Sure. WebWhat Do You Do When Your Partner Has a Lot of Female Friends and Youre Not Sure If You Should Be Worried or Not? wat do? 1 Take A Step Back Shutterstock If your partner's friends are making you feel uncomfortable, it's not a bad idea to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. I dont like watching myself its like, Oh, fucking hell but its an extraordinary piece of work. The lesson's they're taught though, "Boys don't cry" "Be a man" "Suck it up" lead to a shared culture of emotional containment even when friendships develop. WebI get along with other female friends of my bf and genuinely like them. How to encourage conversations beyond small talk with close friends, My manager warned me about absences on short notice, Identifying large-ish wires in junction box. But it's amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to convince ourselves that I just don't feel comfortable with this You've been with him for two years. So talk it out, get to an understanding of how you expect the other to handle himself and how you expect to be trusted to handle yourself. I may have got it wrong, but if you say he gets defensive straight away, and you feel it's an issue worth asking external advice on, then you perhaps both know deep down this is the situation you are facing. You don't have to like them or know them but do you know him, so you can use your best judgement there. ) WebAnswer (1 of 9): Well technically his job detail as a boyfriend doesnt consist of him liking or not liking any of your male friends. It doesn't matter if I internally justify it and tell myself "these are just my friends". And the fact that male/female relationships have been romanticized and eroticized as the most acceptable way for a man to have strong emotions, to the point where you fear he will accidentally fall in love with someone else? Are you really trying to say that it's impossible for those conversations to include a discussion of boundaries? So, when you talk to him about it, avoid saying things like "you are doing this and that, which is this and that". For more information, please see our "I Don't Like My Boyfriend's Friends" Experts Say To Do This The day of reckoning has arrived. My literal defense to her was "I knew them for a long time, we have a friendly bond that's non-sexual". You've already had conversations like this before. Being around him is never fun. If you dont have a good amount of trust in your partner already, none of these tips will work. It was very hard because girls hold grudges. For the past month, your friends have been clamoring to meet your new guy, but alas, the how-do-you-do's were largely anticlimactic. But these kinds of conversations rarely have productive results. Why? I'm sorry but you can't have this conversation successfully. After a lot of probing, the therapist and we figured out that it was ego-feeding. So, try to be respectful and understanding of that. Plenty of men are able to be vulnerable and connect with their friends, to lean on them for support and create deep bonds that go beyond social activities. Having been in the boyfriend's shoes, I recommend that you take the time to understand what your boyfriend gains from his female friends BEFORE you start telling him how you feel about the situation. by Andrea Thorp Apr 23, 2023 iStock/jacoblund Having a boyfriend who has close female friends can get really tricky. Should we share our discomfort with our man? Should we put our foot down and say in no uncertain terms that we wont tolerate this? Are you sure this isn't rather an intrapersonal topic for you dealing with feelings and/or jealousy? He'll use arguments scarily similar to the ones being made in this question (though not nearly to that extent). WebShe doesnt need to say she doesnt like you if she says she wont go out in any group youre in. Well yeah- that's usually how it works. You can't argue with him and win logically because he had justified the existence of the girls in his mind already. EDIT Thank you for your well considered responses. It feels very ego boosting when she looks up to me and holds on to my arm even if it's "just as friends". He may or may not be doing something "wrong", but that is besides the point. To The Friend That Left Me Behind For Her Boyfriend, Why We Can Never Actually Be Just Friends. 2 Find Something Good About Them As long as your friend isn't in a toxic or abusive relationship, try to give your friend's partner the benefit of the doubt. @sphennings "Are you saying it's impossible" No. Im dating my boyfriend of a year now, and to give you some context, we are both crazy for each other, he respects me, he does everything to make me happy, and Im trying to do the same as well. You are unhappy with that behavior, is that behavior important enough that he is willing to continue with it knowing you are unhappy? Another guy on the thread does too. Yes the idea of finding out your partner cheated or broke your trust is horrible, but you can move on and find someone better that will respect you. You cannot. That might sound harsh, but you need to remember there are plenty progressive and open minded women out there who don't see emotional connections their men have with other women as a threat, who accept that humans are what they are, rather than forcing the world to fit moral notions of what they should be, and who deal in trust and honesty, not boundaries. sphennings's answer list good technique in general about how to express your feelings on the situation, but it's important to not make the whole thing about you. How can I remove a mystery pipe in basement wall and floor? Before you can get to a solution, however, you first need to identify what it is about your SO's friends that you don't trust. Is it to have a confrontation with your boyfriend, or do you want to not feel insecure about their female friends? How can I talk to my boyfriend about him keeping things of his exes? That's 100% irrational. Regardless, I stick to my initial point that you can rarely get people to respond well to boundary setting with regards to their relationships with their own friends. In this case, the odds are that if he's a standup guy, they'll warm up to him and be happy that you've reevaluated the types of people you usually date. So, when our boyfriends female friend is too close, what can we do? What it does is changes what kind of solution your problem needs. Never had anyone not like it or said anything but I have a feeling that if OTHER guys had done the same thing, they (the girls) wouldn't be happy about it. WebBefore you can get to a solution, however, you first need to identify what it is about your SO's friends that you don't trust. So you believe two random women who've told you bullshit instead of your boyfriend? So, when you talk to him, try to avoid ways of saying it that may make him feel blamed, or that he is doing something wrong, etc. I know that he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but I can't help but be afraid that he'll unknowingly cross some emotional line and become too close to them. There is no requirement in relationships that one set of friends must become buddies with the other set of friends. All rights reserved. 1. So you don't think he'll deliberately get feelings for someone else "but I can't help but be afraid that he'll unknowingly cross some But this is what I would try first. by koronokori I really dont like my boyfriends female friend. How can I politely end a conversation started at a nightclub? Ive talked about this to my bf and he has assured me multiple times that she Thanks for contributing an answer to Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange! How could I get him to stop being friends with them? 1 Take A Step Back Shutterstock If your partner's friends are making you feel uncomfortable, it's not a bad idea to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. My partner knew that when we started dating (for many ladies it is more appealing than a guy with no female friends) and accepted it, just like I accepted that she has many male friends and is free to hang out with them whenever she likes without me. It seems no matter where he goes or what he does he's always befriending more girls. You should not. Otherwise, you may consider another approach. part of this issue, which your description seems to indicate he does seems to be attracting them and that it is genuinely platonic. Ultimately, it's not a dealbreaker if a guy isn't in love with your friends, or vice versa.After all, a guy can be Mr. Your goal here is to make him understand you and have sympathy for your situation and your feelings. My boyfriend has always had close female friends. I just don't feel comfortable with this woman. Please consult your doctor before taking any action. "I Don't Like My Boyfriend's Friends" Experts Say To Do This Relationships How To Deal With Hating Your Partner's Friends, According To Experts The struggle is *so* real. Should we share our discomfort with our man? I feel like one simple thing would solve all of this, and that is: This may sound harsh, and there are already many great suggestions here to take note of, but trust is essential in any long term relationship and it should be black or white. It is very very hard but it's much easier with girls. You came here asking to TALK about this issue, how to DEAL WITH YOUR JEALOUSY as a boundary, not tell him how to stop having friends. Since the best answers on this SE are backed up with references or personal experience (. One of the ways to deal with your boyfriends female friends is to become their ally. I know that he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose. Everything else is, well just normal human interaction on different levels of emotional attachment. Brute force open problems in graph theory. Give your friends the benefit of a doubt there, as they may be legitimately concerned that he's using you or that the two of you simply aren't compatible. Explain to him that you know he does not mean anything wrong by it, but that is simply makes you feel sad. You will absolutely for 100% do more, much more, damage to your relationship if you try to isolate him from his friends. Should we put our foot down and say in no uncertain terms that we wont tolerate this? "I Don't Like My Boyfriend's Friends" Experts Say To Do This Relationships How To Deal With Hating Your Partner's Friends, According To Experts The struggle is *so* real. Ask yourself whether or not you can date someone in the long run if your aspirations are mismatched. When I said the same thing during therapy with my then-gf, the therapist correctly pointed out "Did she not just repeatedly tell us how much she hated that? This gives the recipient time to respond without needing to defend themself or their actions. So you believe two random women who've told you bullshit instead of your boyfriend? Webby koronokori I really dont like my boyfriends female friend. Spying on a smartphone remotely by the authorities: feasibility and operation. Are your friends unsupportive?Was everyone in a bad mood?Or was your boyfriend just not that impressive? Site design / logo 2023 Stack Exchange Inc; user contributions licensed under CC BY-SA. So long as there's respect between all parties, forming BFF bonds can wait. But since you can't fix the world right now, if that is the source of your current problem, then your solutions become about acceptance and changing perspective and shifting your attitude and understanding. I think you were well on your way to the same conclusion. Some of us guys actually prefer female friends. Again, when I've tried this in the past by being straightforward he gets defensive and asks me why I can't trust him to be smart about these things. This segues well into my second point. I only kept REAL female friends (unfortunately, they were still too good looking for my then-gf taste), but they had bfs and/or is not in the city so she was finally ok with the ones I kept. If you don't trust your partner it is a sign that you should not be with them. You are bigger than those norms are and I think you know that because you seem very aware that your jealousy-based anxieties don't make sense completely logical sense. There is often a limit to the way straight men are allowed to interact with each other emotionally due to toxic masculinity, an adherence to traditional gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for males to express in social situations. being the one forced to give up a friend), and it is something I haven't forgiven to this day and never will. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. I'm not just being jealous or something, his female friends seem to genuinely dislike me. Depends on how you define wrong. I know that he would never do by Andrea Thorp Apr 23, 2023 iStock/jacoblund Having a boyfriend who has close female friends can get really tricky. I hope you'll consider these more abstract aspects when you're facing this very concrete problem. And that's what matters. I've been in that situation (i.e. Can I still have hopes for an offer as a software developer, English equivalent for the Arabic saying: "A hungry man can't enjoy the beauty of the sunset". To me sex is the only line in the sand that I won't cross. I know that this is harder for you, as you are before the children phase, but still, I am certain that it will be healthier for you to skip the constant nagging doubt. Well, its all about getting to the source of the dislike. So, what else is problematic. You should include the arguments in your question so we don't have to follow the link to read them. Heres what you need to know. You think he's a great dresser with a sensitive heart. When I've talked to my partners about my insecurities regarding their other relationships I've found that this is helpful to me since sometimes all I need is for my partner to acknowledge and empathize with how I'm feeling. Heres what you need to know. I will try to give the perspective of somebody who has mainly female friends and my girlfriends/wife had such conversations with me over the years. He could be in the garage fixing his car/motorbike/bicycle on his own, or chatting with a group of male friends at the bar, or chatting with female friends at the same bar. Im dating my boyfriend of a year now, and to give you some In the first case the conversation will lead to nothing. So you are right in being careful and asking for advice, because that is very, very thin ice you're on. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
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