I just thought, I am away and its over. I too once was a victim of an ex boyfriend that used and emotionally abused me back in 2007 I just ffigured he had only a mild criminal record as he made himself sound as though he had only been to jail for mild violations like suspended license tickets,or disorderly conduct with fights to make long story short it turns out he not only had judicated felonies but several misdemeanors. Here's whythe reality is that narcissists suffer from mental health issues. )he will tell you he loves you and only you and you will fall for it and then before you can blink, after a night of passionate love making he will drop you so fast, your head will spin. i know i have this problem but even worse is the fear that it will be used against me. New Year, New Beginning make it about getting bk to YOU. I called my ex husband, God bless him, and he drove 5 hours, helped me load up and I left. During the 18 years we were together, we have 2 homes. Cry me a #$%ng river again? I too just left a narcissist. I fall each time! I have too much pride in myself to move that quickly. She does love attention as shes a professional artist and constantly checks FB to see how many likes she gets on her works that she posts. I will never know how many women he slept with behind my back. normally when we argue,one or the other would say enough is enough, he would pack his things and go and I would let him, never tried to stop him and I always went no contact straight away but always give in and reply as soon as he messaged me.. text, text and more texts and all would be forgive again (and there as been a lot I needed to forgive him for trust me). Exactly my experience as well. he lies/cheats and blames me for everything. I think I got so used to his behaviour When he realized I was not going to call, he started reaching out. Im ready though because I realize that I will be in pain no matter what I do. Now were soulmates again. We met through the dating app Tinder and had been dating "short distance" between New York and Philadelphia for about six months. Thats what worries me. As I read these. I cant believe how similar our stories are. The little known secret is that they dont really get on with their life. I of course have not given in & am going to see my no contact out through the end. They announced their relationship via FB. She even left four husbands in their graves. I told him please leave as your scaring me and Ill call the police. how people treat us, is a reflection of self. I still love the nice side of this man, does the pain ever go away? Said that im the one with anger problems. I often wonder wether he really ever cared and we had a family our children saw bad things and thats the biggest reason I left of course the disease of herpes he brought home after cheating with the same girl Of course my husband had apologized and told me he was proud of me but I was scared, he was escalating out fights were daily, he would keep me on the phone all the way to work which was about an hour drive, and all the way home that way he knew exactly where I was and alienated me so I could not talk to any one else. Well, how many cigarettes did you smoke? I am over a year out, finally divorced and I am still afraid of him. Luckily, my previous, lovely ex-boyfriend got in touch after 4 years and came back into my life. My head is a mess right now. Tothineownselfbetrue, you are suffering from the aftermath of severe emotional abuse. He never cared that I was upset and crying about things. I know that I still need support. But then it hit me that this was the pattern of things in our toxic relationshiphis idea of friendship after months of not seeing me or talking to me was most likely to continue having sex with me and treating me like sh*t, because I allowed it. I really dont see why he would after that, but from what i have ready kinda makes me wonder. You have to save yourself. We didnt live together. I was broken to the point of suicide. The ego comes first and they will protect it at all costs. I ran a business with him but have walked away .. he also lost nothing . My inclination is to take it personally and be hurt. So until I actually think youre a fat, ugly, soulless, slovenly, misshapen, unintelligent but pedantic, old, stingy, foul-smelling piece of shit with two entirely separate tufts of hair on his head who for some ungodly reason thinks he could have been a model. oh, my goodness. But I know Im better without him. I cry. Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. She would take the cake. Talking to strange women. Unbeknownst to him, we have just entered the third stage, hoovering. I had known my N for years before inviting him into my life. . Havent heard from him, yet.. motivational posts about how horrible it is to alienate another parent from the kids, not fair for thme to only hear one side of the story! I got to a point where I knew I had to release it. Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves. his family knew the judge from church. So many times he beat me up when I was bleeding and he did not show no emotions no empathy, One time he said I could quite literally cut your throat , he went to get a knife and went after me crying terrified while his friend was sitting in the same room watching me . It only reaffirmed what I already know and sometimes hate to admit. The red flags were too huge to disregard .. Anyone who can lie without blinking an eye like that is scary. She sits home and gets bored after grad school ends at 1:00or she is not seeing her rich banker supporterand they hoovering on me will commence. I consumed with hoping?!? Some of the things she did to me were absolutely disgusting the last one making me homeless 170 miles away from my home town. I feel in love with this man. Narcissists are not always spoiled little brats, they are also abused themselves or grow up believing nothing they did is ever good enough. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. N/C is only path to healing. I needed to hear your story! I used to believe what he said about those girls, but then I started realizing they all probably left him for his abuse towards them. One of the very hardest things I am dealing with is coming to terms with is that the wonderful caring guy I thought my N was at the start (12 yrs, with a child to him) probably never actually existed. He had recently ended a 6 year relationshipliving with a woman he was engaged to. And yet I fell hook, line and sinker for this N. He goes from woman to woman(and told me about it)looking for the right woman to marry. Ok, no job, no family here, and my husband wants me out of the house, sure! Even my girlfriends will say something to me and it will trigger a response, I dont even know where the anger comes from and I run, literally. !,Ihave meltdowns,RAGE at my invisible innerchild has taken enough.All I need is one good soul to help and Its in my hometown they know me still not everyone has died!!! I wanna move on but I find myself not doin all of what I can to avoid his contact! I know this sounds silly and your proberly asking why would I want him to return but for some sad reason I want him to so I can be the one saying no. I didnt try to contact him or seek revenge. ), can you please provide a link? But that changed for me when he clocked me in my sleep. But they also got a lot of me to. They cannot and will not change simply because they dont have the capability to reflect on how their actions create havoc in their lives. in august, he started looking at dating sites, actually tried to contact a few. He often laughed at times when things were not funny.If he wasnt laughing he was telling me to shut the beep up. I didnt understand the goal involved. Then after 2 months the mask just came down and started again with devaluation, silence during the day saying from the morning she was feeling anxiety e full of anger, bully same story as the previous year. Researching and writing has always been cathartic for me. Anyway, I am at a bad place. The wondering. She messaged that I had requested the above and he messaged her straight back saying if Ang wants the above she should message me herself and not be telling the world our business, my friend politely message back Ang no longer want contact with you so please respect her wishes! bye! Said I wanted to know WHERE my son would be rather than provide an address? I called him up and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. i havent seen my narc in over five months, but he is still a shadow in my life. He has left me a bunch before but it feels different (it always feels different). For two reasons. younger than me. Back and forth. He misses being God. Thanks for sharing your experienceit just made me that much stronger and know I made the right decision to walk away. i was like what does that mean to you. 15 years of my life he has everything and I nothing! After we broke up, I figured out thats what he was doing and why (among other reasons Im sure), I thought that if he knew that I understood him and still loved him, he would relax with his antics and stop being stupid, but it didnt work. Somehow I also wanted to believe he would not say and do those wonderfully loving things and then hurt me as only he could without it being my faultI must have done or said something wrong. And finally, I witnessed extreme temper flares for no reasonjust a minor slight his way. Its not. I thought we had a future. Pain, pain and more pain. I cant thank you enough for responding to me so quickly and saving me!! Do you also think he will come crawling back? No answer! It's easier for a narcissist to go back to their old supply than to find a new supply. Make it so. Im so sorry for you clare.. Everything I read on here is ? Thank you for the post!! I have not responded but this hovering act gets me thinking about him much more than usual. I know the smart thing to do. Luckily, those who develop codependent traits can be helped, whereas those who develop narcissism cannot, because in order for them to be helped,they must want to be helped. I tried to tell people but I didnt know how i couldnt explain it all i ever said was he was mean or he doesnt contribute hes bad with moneyor he mistreats me financially because I was trying to make sense of it by looking at his actions but i never thought about the words. From what you shared, he seems to lack responsibility and accountability, along with the fact hes waging a smear campaign against you, the triangulation, etc. On our 4th anniversary I had to break it off because of his constant lying. I dont love hermaybe I did for awhile. Thank you for sharing your story. are so bad that her ignoring me will make me talk to her. Thanks for letting me reply. She eventually kicked me out over a lack of doing chores/me standing up saying that her demands were unreasonable. What I did was the mirror trick. He began to accuse me of seeing other men even my co workers. And narcissists sleep around!!! Meanwhile Im the one that is doing the no contact rule lol. Really? Im still finding it difficult deal with. NC brings such perspective. He told mutual friend he doesnt care about or think about me and made a point of telling mutual friend I never loved her- likely because he knew Id be told what he said. He doesnt have to pay any rent, he doesnt own a car, so he has littlle to no expenses. I know we had some really great times and genuine moments that simply cannot be faked. I had to laugh because it was so accurate. I came to a point that I changed my number, blocked his emails, canceled facebook, his friends as well, all of it. It was too good to be true. When I came back, his things were in one bedroom and mine in the other. i am planning on just doing vistation when the boys want to see him or call him. When a Narcissist is bent on getting you back they will throw everything at you to see what sticks, much like a chef will throw pasta against the wall to see what hangs on and what bounces off. As you can tell anger has hit me know after 2 months of just crying. Here is a summary answer: Narcissists often re-contact ex partners after a long time because they are idealizing and seeking to re-connect with old sources of "narcissistic supply". Why, I left before I knew he was fighting it, and now I am so so so worried, my daughter and grandchildren live there, do you think he would kill or harm them?? If you let the narcissist know that you need him, he will grow bored and abandon you. I take anti depression meds. i live in 2 worlds where i am raw and broken but i laugh and play and touch and hug and my daughter wonders why I am sad and cry when we are alone. I am almost 62 years old and believe it or not we were never legally married. Hes asks of what value am i to him, after any argument we get into. I dont want to be with him but I still hope that one day he will get well. He accused me of never buying groceries, cooking or cleaning. It is an insecure feeling having your own independence after being controlled. Im so sick of the mind fu**ery and the games. I miscarried a month later. I will consider myself a survivor after he is out of my head. [] what are the narcissists thoughts regarding the resurrection of the []. I even bailed him out of jail when 2 other women fought over him and he accidentally gave one ex a black eye (RED FLAG HE SMOOTHED OVER). I am also the one who filed for divorce. Most of the time, they can prepare a flawless trap. working in yourself getting healthy THATS progress, success. Yea, Ive tried that countless, countless times as well. I cannot talk to people about this becaus i know them well they will say think and judge me stupid, anything you say to them will be considered an excuse what they dont realise is that they are looking at it with hindsight minus the experience. I love and care for her very much! Hang Tight!!! We didnt have a table to eat or chairs to sit. It helps to keep me strong. respect others, have dignity, empathy, compassion, love.. & the importance of ones words being followed up w/ action! that my son would only resent me, if.. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Part of my divorce,dissolution agreement,I asked my probono, attorney,for a no contact order. First in line. He said Im a special person , that he cares about me and has not forgotten his promise to help me pay my house! I gave him his own medicine , and he has left me ever since Hallelujah. By now Im sure you know that she will never change, and she will always keep pulling you back. I know Im the one he wants, but he doesnt know how to have a normal relationship. I wrote down my life goals, what I wanted ( they dont care about what we want, its what they want), this was great as it gave me a plan and motivated me. I suppose I just felt I wanted the upper hand to be able to say no. These people really dont go awa, do they?? His friends loved me and told him so in front of me. The past 3 weeks have been hard, being called names like , telling me he was talking to other woman the whole time, that I was a piece of and he was only using me, shouting at me when my alarm went off in the morning, telling me he didnt give a damn about me yet kept seeinh each other. Our lives have a rythhm, and now Im out of step the loss for me is more than this one person. Im glad to know my blog is helpful to you. I gave him everything, I was always sweet, always caring and loving to him. Men usually have a tendency to fall under the npd criteria where women usually are more under the bpd area, hence the lack of information on women who have npd. I dream about the what ifs. i know if he knows, he will think im crazy but i think Im crazy. i did not get love-bomb in the sense that you have written. Like today for instance I havent seen or spoke to him in over 3 weeks and I saw him today he waved and then he emailed asking me to lunch! will damage them even more! No contact is the best thing I have done!!!! When she had their daughter in 2012, I cried about itthere was a lot of painful history with babies in my past. Obviously, the first thing youll want to do is stop being intimate with him so your body and psyche can stop bonding you to him. I have learned that eventually most come back around once they see that they wont be contacted by the one they abandoned, and they tire of the next one or more. Does she miss me ? Ive seen and experienced too much with this man to believe that. In the email he wrote this was an alleged pregnancy and he is the alleged father. Then terror started. One of the reasons I bookmarked this page is because the following words from Kim provided such insight and perspective to meplease allow me to cut and paste them here. I have been with this older man who is retired who I loved dearly for 4 years. They devalue you and criticize everything you do. Although I do still miss her from time to time (I know I shouldnt be), I have been determined to keep up the no-contact. i read your story this am. ITS COLD! The shame I feel for falling for his repeated verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. First I must say.. the information in this blog and all that share actually has me in tears because of such wonderful information. I still have nightmares every single night. Hes even refused to acknowledge my existence in such a way that has been a detriment to his business (I was his 24/7 assistant for years). They all saw what was going on but knew I had to make this decision on my own. When he asked my daughter if I was not coming up and she told him I was too ill he replied, Its not a bit of wonder your daddy did what he did. She didnt tell me about that comment until we split up. He always complained when he did take me and kids out.He could not let us forget he paid for the meal or outing etc.Even thou the last few years ive paid for alot of things.Ive had more money than hum because my kids dad passed.He really hated that too.He said its not fair i have to work hard for everything i get. ======================================== The more time that goes by, the more the pain subsides, and I try to change my memories to make it possible to talk. This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the narcissist tries to contact them. Then he would ask me upon my return if I f*cked my ex husband. The only thing he has to brag about is how good he is in bed because thats really all he has to offer. I have a job, and she lives 45 minutes away. Block your number and change your email. She has a young daughter and I worry about him one day abusing her. i think he really did mess me up in the head after 14 years of gaslighting. Ive been driving my thoughts to be as if Im speaking about him not to him and it does help to not build up a desire to speak to him, him in third person is 1 step removed from me. And I thought to myself this isnt me I dont smile I dont laugh I dont do anything anymore . I had this in agreement by phone texts, yet oddly my text all dissapeared from my phone so getting money back through authorities is a no. When it comes to these disordered types, leave nothing to chance. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. I just dont want to get back sucked up into the hurt and although I know its about my baby and getting to know his family, i just dont know if its really sincere or if its a motive behind this because I mean afterall, who waits almost two years to get in touch with their flesh and blood, a innocent child? Only a narcissist would when they know they are facing something thats gonna make his life even more miserable even though its due to his own actions.. Get over/away from him. He moved quickly, telling me, he loved me, he wanted to marry me, he waited his whole life for mehe would never leave me, I would never leave him, I was the best sex he had ever experienced, I was the only person who kept him calm.etc.,etc., etc(Things my good husband had told me for years) I believed it all. Hi Anonsorry that happened to you. So somewhere in there I must be moving on somewhat! I hung up in his face mid-sentence and never spoke to him again. He will never earn my trust or respect. It can be very painful when they move on with a new partner right away, but its important to remember that the new partner isnt better than you, its just that Narcissists cannot survive without supply. I see glimpses of abusive behavior, a tone that may not even be there, hurt feelings that turn into defensiveness from something i said wrong and i shut down, prepare for the numbness thats inside of me and everything is quiet. Someone with serious NPD. What happens after The Torn Lover? or are you born with it? While dealing with the emotional, financial, mental and spiritual devastation left in the wake of being a co dependent to a passive aggressive, narcissistic sociopath of an ex spouse is extremely challenging, not being able to employ the A#1 tactic of true no contact makes it even more challenging. Some Narcs can carry on false appearances for a long time, especially if trying to overcome the stigma of being a Narcissist or emotionally abusive. Thank you for commenting. 4. and 1 of my 2 at home was his legally . so i ask him well what do you want. He missed the fact that I took him back and forgave him after all the cheating and lies and slander of my reputation, although he couldnt seem to forgive me for anything at all. Hi Jimmy, thank you for following my blog and for reaching out. The phone rang while I was sleeping, it was a friend, so I picked up the call and I realized that I was with a tremendous headache. No I can tell you that for sure. he came back. We worked in the same community. Kim, I think somewhere on this website you may have mentioned this guy Richard. Guy/Girl NARC same difference Ive worked with many male clients with exes like yours and it will be a fast downward spiral unless you get things under control as quickly as possible. POS, Thank you, you told my story, with some differences, my narc. Am I wrong about her being narcissist because of her indifference? and you wil have to do supervised vists. but last year was a train wreck. I dont know if thats because under that psychosis there is some recognition of what he had, or the fact that I cut him off makes him want me more. I found your blog extremely helpful in understanding what was going on in my life in the last few months . Ummmmm ok he contacted me hes a control freak obviously! i messaged him last week as I had cauht an Sti, he said its from me, went mad trying to call I wouldnt pick up. I hung up the phone right in the middle of the conversation. 5. My son has limited contact but wants and needs his fathers approval. When I say something which I have not yet spoke to him his answer will be I can do whatever the - I want to do, Im the boss. He says he loves me, but only if Im useful. Excuse any misspelled words. I told him I would be out sooner. Somehow that *flipped* a switch for me, and I hauled my butt into an A.A. meeting. Marianne, I am so glad to know youre involved with someone who really cares about you. He manipulated me daily, controlled me and accused me falsely of things I never did. I definitely agree that narcissists can also be female. by jan 1, he acted like he didnt care. took me a little while, but i got in and changed them so something he couldnt figure out and beefed up my security on everything. After about 6 months the boom fell. you are so right.. they just keep hurting us.. i also tried for the last year to hold on and play his sick game.. but in the end he ended up coming back again (his back and fourth game) and leave again for the same sick loser he was cheating on me from day one. What ever happened to the Disease AIDS? This is the most peace Ive had in 18 months, it feels AMAZING. Everything about him makes sense now; thanks to your articles. My breakup to date is 6 weeks old from a five year relationship. Youre so pretty. I was sure this a*hole was gone forever, when boom- a text on NYE declaring himself my soulmate and he mine and hoping things could resolve or some dumb sh*t like that. There are several reasons why a narcissist might say this, including their sense of entitlement, fear of abandonment, desire for control and manipulation, and the need to hurt their ex-partner. I knew almost 90% of the time he was still pursuing his so caked ex. (4 years ago i entered at treatment center for depression and anorexia (and booze, I was drunk every day by this point. Hi Kristie, thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. I became more lonely in a new town, two babies and not knowing a sole while he was traveling. Hi Priscilla. But as was the case with you, and all the partners they had before you, the new supply will eventually be devalued and discarded, too. I didnt respond. Im currently in the process of No Contact and have found it to be the best thing for me. Ive given in and spent nights with him but it never last more than 2 days and hes back at being an a**!! You would expect that with all of the time you spend together and the physical intimacy that you share, your partner would have caring feelings for you, too. Ive found myself this past month in the big discard phase though there have been countless, *countless* times over the years where Ive been thrown away its the Big One of silent treatments and rejections; the one where he finally runs around to everyone wholl listen and announces, We both decided it was time to break up. So much hurt, such needless hurt really. Time heals all wounds. So youre left holding the bag that is your heart in a million pieces with no one to say, Im sorry. The pain is awful but Ill get through it. You have provided another element of clarity for those of us trying to understand and recover from damaging NPD relationships. I thought I might add that her ex-husband although def a strange individual was def not the villain that I was told that he was. 2 days before xmas he showed up. Im on to him! thank you. a cell phone a month.. destroyed.. laptops, pcs, tvs, steros, windows.. list goes on. But as much as this episode of hoovering, for the most part, left me unperturbed, I am kicking myself a little for letting the block lapse, believing hed have enough self-respect and shame to stay gone. Ive looked into a restraining order, its $80.00. Go no-contact! Still cant believe I stayed and trust me ladies (and gent) its WAY better after consistent no contact. When I turned him down then it was my own fault he hurt me all those years and he said Well it is your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back. THAT was the most honest he had ever been. Narcissistic admiration is about building oneself up impressing others; narcissistic rivalry is about building . The isolatin tactic is i think the most hurtful because once isolated you get no support and indeed codependent style the abuser is your only source of support. I have read all of the posts on this blog and my heart goes out to you all. Ive crossed over that line finally, and dont have that existential abandonment and loneliness that drove me back for years. I did the no contact for the past 2 years. Who cares is what I tell myself. Great post. To me hes dead. Im sure my blogs upset him but I dont care Im not going to be a victim anymore. When I looked back I saw the guy was immediately on the phone; my guess is he was calling him to tell him hed just seen me. He can be so charming and funny and that is what we loved and I miss but then on a second he could go into full rage. This is literally the worst thing I ever experienced in my life and my family, friends, colleagues etc. and then threw me away like I was nothing, it was more the way he looked at me that done it for me.. the mask fell and I truly see him for what he is. When my Ex and I separated the first time, he had fled the country and was married to another girl in less than two months. After a few months, I text him and asked him to bring some of my clothes back from Tenerife, he ignored me. He was saying Kate look how pathetic you are walking around shaking while Im sitting here so calm it shows how pathetic you are. I run a very successful business. Its ok but only if you are the one in the drivers seat of your life. He needs you more than you need him. I decided to stop contact, deleted and blocked his phone number and Facebook etc. You can do this!! I have panic attacks alot since hes left.Im lucky i get money for my kids since their dad passed so i can be home with them .But im looking for a part time job as a nurse so i can get out of the house.not to mention save for the future when i move on from here etc.I also tell myself i should be grateful that he cares for us still .Yet deep down i feel like a loser. Then he blocked me from everything- phone Facebook messages- like I was the one in the wrong. Remember the last painful incident that occurred and all the reasons why you shouldnt ever go back. My 8 year relationship has ended recently with my N ex instigating no contact. Theres a lot that goes into diagnosing someone with full blown bpd. If he is playing with weapons etc. I broke it off did the we are not incompatible speech and done. She literally makes jokes about all the guys around her that hit on her to me. Thank you for validating my feelings. heck, i am struggling to feed these kids. Whether or not he ever sees the depth of your sacrifice depends entirely on his ability to grow. This is great! I guess deep down I wanted away from the insidious madness.